Your Internal Contradictions Contradict Your Internals
Chatting with a friend in need
A Beginner’s Guide to Taoism
Chatting with a friend in need
How much do you beat yourself up?
Do you ever feel like you’re broken?
Have you ever felt worse about yourself after going to church?
I sure have.
My emotions and mental health have been in terrible conditions throughout my life. I’m not an expert on being sad or happy, but I have wisdom to share.
A good friend, Nanie Hurley 🌿asked me a question today inside our Discord community, which touched me. I asked if I could publicly share her question, why she asked, and my response. So, I’m thankful she said yes.
Nanie has been seeing a therapist lately and is working through her emotions. Growing up, she has been taught to bury or rid herself of negative emotions. Phrases like “Make each day a good one” and “Today is going to be a GREAT day!” have been force-fed to us our entire childhood.
These statements and motivational phrases, among other personal matters, have led to anxiety and doubt. I, too, had these same questions about myself, my beliefs, and my worldview.
How does Taoism deal with feelings, emotions, and self-worth?” she asked.
To answer this question, I focused only on the concept of self-worth as the other two topics, emotions and feelings, will explain themself.
“Let’s compare Taoism to something like Buddhism. There, the Buddha taught that life is suffering and that we can rid ourselves of that suffering through the 8-fold path. However, Taoism teaches there’s nothing “wrong” to start with, so attempting to eliminate a part of you would be folly.
For example, how does a tree grow? It grows however it needs to. It can grow sideways or split into many parts for it to live. That growth isn’t wrong or bad; it doesn’t make the tree worthless. It just makes the tree a tree. The tree does what comes naturally and is neither good nor bad. It is its own.
So, now let’s look at people. We are also affected by our surroundings (aka family, friends, strangers, environment, etc.), which can cause us to grow into people who don’t seem to look or act like anyone else. We are not broken, wrong, or bad. We grew the way we did because that’s how people grow. Your “faults” or your self-worth is your second-guessing of your natural state.
But you can’t cut off your arm to cure your hand. You can’t rid yourself of anger, sadness, anxiety, or doubt to always be happy. That isn’t a natural state.
Humans evolved these different emotions for a reason naturally, and to attempt to reject those parts of you will cause you pain and suffering.
You are you. You are who you grew into being, just as I did. Just as everyone here is doing, but that’s not to say we can’t learn new things or honor those around us with kindness, love, and harmony with our community.
That is to say, however, we have to accept everything about our internal nature. We have to accept emotions pass through us, and when they arise, we must let them go. Just as physical pain arises and we eventually heal, so too can our emotional state heal. But we must learn to accept those feelings and move on from them to return to our natural state of harmony and peace.”
“What you wrote is really interesting because I think I’ve buried my emotions my whole life,” she stated.
“Most of us, especially in the West, have done the exact same thing. We are told that all negative emotions are bad (from the Devil) and only the positive emotions are good (aka from God). But how can that be?
Doesn’t believing this teach us that we are broken? Because it taught me I was broken for decades. I would tell myself, “God must have messed up with me,” or ask, “Why can’t I fix myself?”
My 11-year-old son got in trouble in school yesterday for lashing out and screaming at another kid. My son had buried his emotions because this kid was picking on him. Eventually, he burst and screamed profanities at him in class. Keeping our emotions inside is so ingrained in our culture that even my child learned it by 11.
But, in Taoism, you cannot have one without the other. No one can be ONLY happy. We have to be sad, angry, and depressed to be happy, pleasant, and joyful.
No ONE without the other. Only together.”
My favorite part about Taoism is its openness to my thoughts. Rather than teach me that my thoughts are broken, Taoism teaches I am me.
I don’t have all the answers. I’m not well-versed in theology or religion. I’m just one person in a room, far from you, dear reader. As we grow, so too do our thoughts. Like the tree, we branch out in different ways. Some twisted, knotted, and covered in bark. Others are smooth, tall, and straight. Just as your beliefs are not wrong for you, your growth is not wrong either.
Let yourself be who you are. Accept. And then let go.