Loving My Children Better With Fantastic, Gentle Taoist Wisdom
How Laozi teaches us to be a part of everyone and let everyone be a part of us.
When my first child was born, Madison, I figured out how to rock her, when to feed her, and learned which type of cry meant which action she needed. When my son was born, Grayson, I realized little of what I had previously learned mattered to him. He liked to be rocked differently, enjoyed his bottle at a slightly warmer temperature, and did not enjoy smashed strawberries like Madison.
When my third and final child, Allison, was born, I learned that none of what I had discovered with my previous two children mattered to her. She wanted to be driven around in my car to fall asleep, did not enjoy being rocked, and wanted to walk before learning to crawl.
Nothing about my children seemed to be the same, besides the fact that they were human babies and mine. Even though they were created by the same woman and man, raised in the same manner, and used many of the same toys and clothes, each became an amazingly unique individual. Regardless of their differences, I loved all three the same.
I protected, nurtured, educated, and guided each child with every ounce of love in my soul. All three are now teenagers and living their best lives. Madison joined the color guard in the high school band, Grayson joined a community volleyball league and loves competitive Fortnite, and Allison creates amazing works of art for an eleven-year-old, plays volleyball, and loves acting. Yet, I still treat them with the same respect, dignity, and empathy.
The Tao, or the way of the universe, is the same as the love I give to my children. Chapter 49 of Tao Te Ching, the seminal text of Taoism, teaches us how to behave toward others and treat them equally, no matter their beliefs or how they treat us. Today, I’ll use translations from Feng, Lin, and Hinton.
Let’s get into it.
Tao Te Ching is written with 81 chapters and divided into two parts. Part one (chapters 1-37) explores the nature of Tao and its ineffable, eternal, and natural way. It speaks to the nature of reality, the universe, and how to align your life. Part two, however, turns towards more actionable venues such as government, ruling a country or people, and the Tao within human life. It’s here, during part two, we find chapter 49 — a lesson on how to live among the people.
Gia-Fu Feng and Jane English
The sage has no mind of his own.
He is aware of the needs of others.
Derek Lin
The sages have no constant mind
They take the mind of the people as their mind.
David Hinton
A sage’s mind is never his own:
he makes the hundred-fold people’s mind his mind.
Key to this verse is the phrase 百姓 (bǎixìng), which means ‘people’ and 心 (xīn), which translates to ‘heart.’ The text is instructing us to make other people’s hearts our own. Not in a murderous sense, but metaphorically. To be of one heart is to love another as you love yourself.
Compassion, empathy, and kindness are virtues we often give ourselves but deny to others. Laozi, the legendary author, teaches that if you live through Tao and allow Tao to outwardly manifest through your actions, these traits will follow you not just to yourself but to everyone you meet.
Gia-Fu Feng and Jane English
I am good to people who are good.
I am also good to people who are not good.
Because Virtue is goodness.
Derek Lin
Those who are good, I am good to them
Those who are not good, I am also good to them
Thus the virtue of goodness
David Hinton
I treat the noble with nobility
and the ignoble too:
such is the nobility of Integrity.
In the second verse, we learn how Tao, and thereby we, should treat those who are different ideologically. Remember, Tao is not moral; it does not conform to our human-created, arbitrary rules of what is good or bad. The Chinese language contains 之 (Zhī), which is the subordinate particle of what comes before.
A subordinate particle is a word that shows the relationship between two clauses, and, in this context, the two clauses are ‘my good’ and ‘people’s good.’ Because of the word 善 (shàn, to be good to or to treat as good), we know our goodness should be given to other people who are also good.
In the second half of verse two, however, Laozi tells us to be good to those who are not good (不善者, bùshàn zhě, not good). Why do you believe he wrote this? In more traditional religious systems, we are told to accept an eye for an eye and that we are allowed to inflict harm on those who inflict it on us.
Yet, here, those who do us harm or are generally not good by our definition deserve to be treated with the same kindness as the good person—having 德 (Dé, virtue, heart, kindness) is good. It is not good in a moral sense, but it is good in that it follows Tao’s example. This mindset is modeled after Tao’s actions inside nature.
Does the sun not shine brightly upon a murderer’s face? Does the beef not provide the same nutrients regardless of political or spiritual beliefs? Of course they do. Nature doesn’t play favorites or enact revenge for previous wrongdoings; it simply does what it does and always moves forward.
Gia-Fu Feng and Jane English
I have faith in people who are faithful.
I also have faith in people who are not faithful.
Because Virtue is faithfulness.
Derek Lin
Those who believe, I believe them
Those who do not believe, I also believe them
Thus the virtue of belief
David Hinton
I treat the sincere with sincerity
and the insincere too:
such is the sincerity of Integrity.
The text gives a second example showing the same pattern—give faith to those who are both faithful and faithless because the Tao is faithful to all; be sincere to those who are insincere because the Tao is sincere to all.
In another real-world example, think of water. When an innocent newborn calf drinks from a stream, it receives the same bodily care as the venomous snake or the poisonous flower. Tao does not punish the snake or plant because it kills its prey— it only knows that all living things need cool, nurturing, and replenishing water.
Gia-Fu Feng and Jane English
The sage is shy and humble - to the world he seems confusing.
Others look to him and listen.
He behaves like a little child.
Derek Lin
The sages live in the world
They cautiously merge their mind for the world
The people all pay attention with their ears and eyes
The sages care for them as children
David Hinton
A sage dwells within all beneath heaven
at ease, mind mingled through it all.
The hundred-fold people devote their eyes and ears,
but a sage inhabits it all like a child.
An important distinction is that the phrase 歙歙 (xīxī, to draw in gently or softly converging) appears. Writing the character twice, back to back, emphasizes softly blending or gently contracting. Therefore, the sage gently, carefully, and easily blends their thoughts and mind with others in the world (天下, tiānxià).
We don’t bash our beliefs or ancient texts over others’ heads. Nor do we stand on street corners attempting to convert anyone who doesn’t share our views. Instead, the wise person, the follower of Tao, accepts and gently blends into the world around him. Just as the vine can bend and crawl up any building or fence, so too can we integrate ourselves with others, calmly and gently allowing others to share their lessons while we share ours.
The final sentence states that everyone pays attention to the sage because they recognize his wisdom. In the Chinese text, people especially use their eyes and ears to do this. In return, because everyone sees and listens to the sage, he treats them like 皆孩 (Jiē hái, all children).
This doesn’t mean punishing them when they act out of turn; it means nurturing them. The sage loves everyone who listens and cares for everyone who sees. Even though everyone is different and we divide ourselves into a thousand different groups, the sage looks past those divisions to see who we really are— people.
Raising my children taught me to embody this Taoist principle. Each child demanded unique care, from Madison’s love for strawberries to Allison’s need for car rides for sleep, yet I offered them equal devotion, guidance, and empathy. As they grow, I continue to treat them with the sage’s universal respect, mirroring the Tao’s care for all.
This wisdom extends to how we treat others, regardless of their actions or beliefs. The sage offers goodness to both the virtuous and the unvirtuous, sincerity to the sincere and insincere alike. Like nature, which provides rain to all without discrimination, the sage’s actions reflect the Tao’s impartial nurturing, encouraging us to embrace everyone with fairness and kindness.
My family embodies the diversity of Tao’s natural way, with each child carving their path while rooted in our shared bond. Madison’s grace in color guard, Grayson’s competitive spirit in volleyball and Fortnite, and Allison’s creative flair in art and acting reflect their unique spirits, shaped by tailored nurturing yet united by their parents’ unwavering love and support.
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If you like my writing, please tell me what you think. Do you agree with my interpretation of chapter 49? Did I leave anything out? Let me know!
My favorite part of reading your posts is that where ever my focus may be, you always bring me back to my heart. Thank you!
Parenting is definitely one of the most challenging and rewarding parts of life. As soon as you think you’ve got one of your children figured out, they change, and so you must change with them. They’re great teachers in adaptation.