Learning to Love Myself Without Leaving My Front Door

Why I Stopped Chasing Connections to Find Myself

Image from Unsplash.

I’ve spent a lot of time alone. Not always physically alone during my day, but emotionally. Have you ever gone to a party, surrounded by dozens of people, yet stood in the corner sipping your drink with nobody? This is how high school felt.

I didn’t have sex or have a girlfriend until I was 19 and had finally put high school to rest. A dwindling friend circle followed the awkward years of middle school. So, despite my involvement in band, symphony orchestra, theater, jazz band, church choir, and my church’s praise and worship band, I struggled to find dates for school dances. Eventually, I just gave up and left for college terribly inexperienced.

In some aspects, college was a game-changer! By the end of my freshman year, I found my first partner and made new friends, yet it was also terribly sad. Living in the dorm, I learned to say goodbye. Unlike school, where you kept friends year after year, many friends left forever— bad grades, problems at home, or money issues. I remember sitting on the couch in the lobby of my dorm at 1 AM in tears because I fought hard to make new friends, only to say goodbye so soon.

After my parents divorced and my first girlfriend broke up with me four days apart, I felt a deep desire to shut down. I moved out of the dorm with a handful of guys into a townhouse. Here, I had my own room for the first time in years, and if I didn’t want to see anyone, I didn’t have to. Online computer games became an escape from the hectic world of exams, girls, and parties downstairs. My roommates were great guys and always supportive, but like all the others, we went our separate ways after a year together. So, I moved into an apartment for the first time and focused on the destination—getting out of Denton, Texas. I refused to let myself live in a black hole in which many young adults found themselves trapped.

I used to stare out my second-story apartment window and watch other 20-something-year-olds relaxing with friends at the pool and wonder, why don’t my friends invite me? I heard stories of them hanging out, but why was I never asked? Are we not friends? Am I valuing a friendship that doesn’t exist at the level I believed? More alone time.

Sixteen to twenty-five were some of my life's most lonely yet most active years. I accomplished more work, met more people, and had more partners than at any other time, but I still felt more alone than I ever had. Only after another decade, long after I was married with children, did I understand how to be content without others.

Even though there are 81 chapters in Tao Te Ching, the seminal text of Taoism, a few stand out to me. One, two, 20, 38, 81, and 47. It’s here, in Chapter 47, that I found a solution to my chronic problem. I always heard you should be happy being alone, but how?

I’ll use the translations by Stephen Mitchell, Gia-Fu Feng and Jane English, Derek Lin, and David Hinton. Because the chapter is short, using a broader selection of translations will help unpack its meaning.

Let’s get into it.

Derek Lin
Without going out the door, know the world
Without peering out the window, see the Heavenly Tao.

Stephen Mitchell
Without opening your door,
you can open your heart to the world.
Without looking out your window,
you can see the essence of the Tao.

David Hinton
You can know all beneath heaven though you never step out the door,
and you can see the Way of heaven though you never look out the window.

One of the phrases translated differently between versions is “heaven.” Most Westerners automatically associate heaven with Christianity, so authors such as Stephen Mitchell shy away from this practice even though the Chinese phrase is 天道 (Tiāndào) — literally Heaven’s way. Not just any way, but heaven’s way— the way of Tao (道).

Rereading, we understand you don’t need to leave your house to get to know Tao. In fact, you don’t need to look for external gratifications at all. Tao is inside us, and we are Tao simultaneously. If you look for something you already are, you might eventually find yourself, but a mirror would be far easier.

I spent all those years searching for acceptance from women, party invites, and after-school activities when I could have simply devoted myself to self-discovery. I searched through hundreds of friends, defined myself with labels, and tried every new experience I could, and all I needed was to search inside my mind. This is the task Chapter 47 is calling us to perform.

Gia-Fu Feng and Jane English
The farther you go, the less you know.

David Hinton
The further you explore, the less you know.

Stephen Mitchell
The more you know,
the less you understand.

Again, the repeated message is clear. The more you search externally, the more difficult it is to find your true identity. I’ve traveled worldwide, and I never found a bed as comfortable as my bed at home. I can make 1,000 cheese sandwiches, but they will never taste as good as my mom's. It sounds simple— obvious to hear— but search Substack for self-help writers. Or, walk into your local bookstore and see how large the self-help section has become. It’s massive!

If it’s so simple, why do many turn outward for answers? Because self-discovery is harder. It takes time, patience, and giving up on ideas and beliefs that, even though they are harmful, you refuse to let go.

Millions of people do not understand that the knowledge and wisdom of others might eventually get you to where you need to go, but close your eyes, plug your ears, and be still. You’re already where you need to be.

David Hinton
So it is that a sage knows by going nowhere, names by seeing nothing, perfects by doing nothing.

Gia-Fu Feng and Jane English
Thus the sage knows without traveling;
He sees without looking;
He works without doing.

Finally, simply written, the answer is given. You understand who you are by looking inside your mind. Because you know, you realize that traveling to far-off lands, relying on partners or friends to define your lifestyle, or altering your chemistry with substances isn’t needed. None of these experiences are inherently harmful or bad, but attempting to use them to expose your true self-worth is folly.

I remember one day at my apartment window, I wished the girl in a bikini, tanning as her male companion swam in the community pool, would wave at me to come over. Or perhaps, through some chance, I’d run into her at a coffee shop, and we’d strike up a conversation.

She was gorgeous, and I figured if I could find someone like that who liked me, then I would feel better about my body. Then reality set in, and I’d turn back to my computer and escape into a fantasy land—only to turn back towards the window each summer afternoon and repeat the process.

That cycle of longing and retreat was a dance I performed for years, always hoping the next glance out the window, the new connection I made, or the new bar I visited, would bring a lasting connection, validation, or purpose. But Chapter 47 of Tao Te Ching illuminated a truth I’d overlooked: the answers were never out there. By turning inward, I began to see that my worth wasn’t tied to who waved, invited, or shared with me—it was already whole, waiting for me to recognize it.

Now, with a family and a few decades of perspective, I’ve learned to sit comfortably in my own presence. The world still hums outside my window, but I no longer need its approval to feel at home in myself.

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Do you want to encourage more learners to follow the Tao?

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Those who helped encourage:
Tracy Chrest
Debra Groves Harman
Dana DuBois
jwa1313🏴‍☠️

Grace Hanna