Forty One Trips Around the Sun
Half-way to nothing.
Half-way to nothing.
On October 27, 2023, at 3:02 AM, the rock I’m standing on completed its forty-first trip around a giant ball of “fire” in space. That’s about it.
You’d be forgiven for not realizing the event occurred since the rock didn’t notice or seem to care. In fact, most of the other seven billion humans who also happen to inhabit Earth did not notice either. But to those who did, thank you.
To my three wonderful children (most of the time), thank you for the hand-drawn Kitkat bar. To my wife, thank you for the shirt, the cake, the decorations, the coffee you made me in the morning, and for the… well, we are adults, after all. To my friends online, thank you for all the emojis and gifs. Yes, I pronounce it with a G and not a J, and you can’t change my mind.
I spent a good part of my birthday the same way I spend every day — in my head, thinking up ways to help myself and others through my writing and my leadership positions. Everyone is a leader in their own way. Still, I co-run my family with my wife, my organization with a fabulous team of editors, and a Slack workspace for the Boost Nomination Pilot members who go by the nickname “nommers.”
As a student of Taoism, I’ve learned that it’s important to speak when you can and stand aside when needed. Speak when you should share your knowledge or experiences, but stay silent when others are speaking. Sounds simple, but I promise it’s not. I overstep sometimes, talk out of turn, and raise my voice when inconvenient. I’m trying, OK?
If I had to guess, my life would continue for the next 15 years with little concern. After those years, my future is relatively blurry. I’ll be 56, and my three children will have left the house. My oldest child will turn 30, and my youngest will be 25. I can hardly imagine a world without them at home, but I know it’s coming soon.
I reflect on the future, not because I’m anxious, but because I want to emotionally and mentally prepare myself. I used to have nightmares about my mom or family dying, and I would wake up in a panic. The rest of the day, I’d pretend it wouldn’t happen for a long time, and I had nothing to worry about, only to relive the same nightmare under a different setting. However, when I started to internalize and accept that the future I saw in my dream was coming one day, instead of trying to run from it, my nightmares ended.
Learning to let go of everything I have has become more important the older I’ve become. This phrase doesn’t mean to be an emotionless husk of a human, ignoring all relationships. Instead, the phrase means to guard yourself spiritually and emotionally.
Do you remember the movie Donnie Darko? Released in 2001, it was mostly ignored upon release since a central aspect of the film is a plane falling out of the sky, and 9/11 occurred just three weeks afterward. In the movie, the lead character, Donnie (Jake Gyllenhaal), confesses that everyone dies alone, which has stuck with me for over 22 years. Sometimes, I like to think about it differently, however.
The universe only exists because you do. When you’re gone, the universe will end with you, at least from your point of view. But you don’t have another point of view outside of your own. So, knowing this, the universe can’t not exist without you. Those who wish to live forever and see the end of all things will have their wish granted, just not in the way they want.
If the sky were to open up today and take you away, there would be only you, your actions, and how those actions have affected others. Let those actions speak for you when you’re gone. Steve Jobs once said he wanted to leave a dent in the universe, and I try to remember that each day. Through my kids, wife, friends, and writings, I want to leave something behind beyond good deeds and wise words. What actions or words can define me?
As I begin another trip around the sun, I continue with my eyes open and mouth closed. There might be a constant ringing in my ears, but I can still hear the ocean, birds, and wind. I may need glasses, but I can still see the sunshine, pretty flowers, and clouds that look like cotton balls. I may need to rest more during walks, but I can feel the cool grass between my toes, the softness of my wife’s skin, and the heat of the concrete on a hot Texas summer day.
And so, congratulations to me and to you, dear reader. We don’t have to be here, but we choose to. May we meet each other again on the same date one year from now when the rock has returned to the same side of the burning ball of gas. Enjoy your trip, and I’ll leave you with the immortal words of Dr. Seuss in his final book, Oh the Places You’ll Go.
So…
Be your name Buxbaum or Bixby or Bray
Or Mordecai Ali Van Allen O’Shea,
You’re off to Great Places!
Today is your day!
Your mountain is waiting.
So…get on your way!
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The Saddest and Most Thoughtful Book I’ve Ever Read
Damn you Dr. Seuss!medium.com
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