Finding Serenity Together Amidst Life’s Turbulence
My journey with tinnitus, Tom, and a possible future.
My journey with tinnitus, Tom, and a possible future.
For the foreseeable future, I’m slowly reading the book 365 Tao, written by Deng Ming-Dao. The book is a daily meditation guide that provides a poem and a Taoist lesson per day for an entire year. However, given my hectic schedule with my job, family, Medium, and maybe more on the horizon, I can’t find the dedication to spend each day reading and reflecting on a chapter.
Instead, every Sunday morning for nearly an hour, I read and reflect aloud on five chapters and stream my reading on The Taoist Online’s YouTube channel. This practice gives me dedicated time each week to concentrate on each lesson and share what I’ve learned with others.
One of my spiritual goals is to learn from others and share what I’ve learned in return. Knowing that the goals must be in that specific order is essential. I do not believe I have any advanced knowledge or particularly unique thoughts; my life has repeatedly proven this. Therefore, I read and speak to anyone willing in order to determine my path forward.
Perhaps this is a pacifist way of living my spiritual life, but it’s my chosen path, and it works for me.
For example, with any luck, I might begin training under a man I’ve taken several classes with. I first met Tom five years ago through his YouTube channel. He was still in China, learning under a Taoist master and creating videos to advertise the school and share his thoughts. I had just recently begun to read about the Tao, and his videos were the first I found. After a year of watching his channel, I discovered he would start to hold his first online class, which I happily paid for. After six weeks, I met an incredible community of individuals from around the world who had similar backgrounds to mine and were beginning to share similar beliefs.
I also learned my first Qigong forms, practiced them daily, and learned the 4–7–8 breathing technique. These two practices provided a much-needed reduction in stress and anxiety, which would be helpful as I suffered my first mental breakdown soon after.
In early 2021, I developed tinnitus in both ears. It likely came from an infection or virus. It could have also been stress-related or a combination of circumstances, but several doctors and specialists could not determine the cause. Tinnitus is a constant, often loud, ringing in your ears. Most people have a quiet pitch that can be drowned out by daily life. Others, such as my case, are loud and sound like someone running their nails down a chalkboard with no end.
Any sudden loud noise would cause an instant panic attack for six weeks. I gave up on work and took a medical leave of absence. Sleeping required heavy insomnia medication and several mood stabilizers. Luckily, due to Tom’s classes, I had coping tools available while my brain began to filter out the noise.
After nearly two months, I had begun my new normal. I still hear the ringing constantly, but it’s quieter and easier to tune out if I’m working or doing something. Sleeping still requires a fan to be on most nights, but I can sleep without it, too. Mental skills for the win!
If it weren’t for Tom’s classes and his sharing of what he had learned, my recovery and possibly my ability to work would not have returned to such a normal state of being. His teachings and lessons, mostly centered around Taoist thoughts and beliefs, have opened a new chapter in my life with my writing, publication, and determination to live as happy and stress-free as possible.
The other day, I received a newsletter from Tom stating that he would, for the first time, be accepting four official students rather than teaching a large online class. I immediately applied.
I don’t know if I’ll be selected, but I am excited to be allowed to apply. I also don’t know the requirements or what will be demanded of me if accepted. I have many questions for Tom in our meeting tomorrow to discuss the opportunity.
I’ve been a Patreon supporter of his since the beginning, and I’ve spoken to him many times, so it won’t be a fresh start but a continuation of a teacher/student relationship I’ve had with him since 2018. In my excitement, however, I’m constantly reminded of chapter 3 in Tao Te Ching — the seminal text of Taoism.
If you over esteem great men,
people become powerless.
If you overvalue possessions,
people begin to steal.
The Master leads
by emptying people’s minds
and filling their cores,
by weakening their ambition
and toughening their resolve.
He helps people lose everything
they know, everything they desire,
and creates confusion
in those who think that they know.
Practice not-doing,
and everything will fall into place.
— Stephen Mitchell (1981) adaptation and translation
In this chapter, I’m careful not to replace ‘master’ with ‘Tom’ and desire with my wants. Am I attentive enough to focus on what is essential externally while providing time and energy for internal cultivation? Are they the same?
We affect the world around us as much as the world affects us in return. So, taking care of your work, family, and business is a form of self-cultivation.
I plan on discussing this matter with Tom tomorrow in our meeting, and he may choose me to be a student. Or, he could determine we are not a good fit for each other. I will admit, should I not be chosen, I will be disappointed; however, I know disappointment is a naturally occurring emotion. So, too, is sadness, anger, and jealousy.
If I attempt to reject or categorize those emotions as bad, I am stating I am bad, for those emotions are as much a part of me as my arm or leg. Could I cut off my arm and live on? Yes, but I choose not to willingly give away a part of myself. Millions of years of evolution have determined that an arm was necessary. Strong, negative emotions aren’t inherently destructive, but holding on to them can harm your health.
Learning to let go is one of the core practices I’d like to learn from Tom if I’m chosen. Perhaps letting go is a skill that can’t be truly mastered, but I will do my best, and that’s all I can do.
I’m not sure what will happen tomorrow or if I am to be selected, but regardless, I’ll continue on my path the only way I know how — slowly, calmly, and comfortably with anyone willing to share or listen.
Edit 10/12: I was selected!
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