Chasing Likes, Losing Myself

Finding Purpose Beyond the Like Button

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I’ve been reading a lot more recently. Not novels or books, but other writers’ works. I love reading their stories, especially when it is a story about a hard time in their lives that the author overcame. I struggle too—anxiety, insomnia, tinnitus, and the regular pain points of parenthood. Recently, I’ve been struggling with control and the lack-thereof.

Two years ago, everything I did about writing and publishing turned to gold. Most writers would struggle for years to find any value, but somehow value found me—and fast. Medium.com seemed like a miracle and the monthly income I was able to earn made the struggle worth it. Starting a publication with just your own articles and watching it balloon into 200k views a month with hundreds of writers, a team of passionate editors, and a Discord with hundreds of members, is an experience I’ll never forget. Maybe I’ll write a book about it. But, even as the publication and my writing skyrocketed, I didn’t see the end coming.

Over 12 months of daily writing, publishing, editing, web-design, domain name registrations, and community building, I couldn’t take it anymore. I had so much success, but my mental health suffered tremendously. No monthly paycheck is worth the night I was curled in a ball at 3 AM crying my eyes out. If you’ve never seen a 42 year old man have a panic attack, let me tell you, it’s not pretty.

Now, I find my self returning to Substack and Medium. With new mental tools and cooping mechanisms in place, I want to continue my journey to help people. I did not start writing to earn a paycheck. I started writing to help others through my stories and struggles, but the game of numbers and earnings was hard to ignore.

Still, even today, it is so easy to get caught up in followers, subscribers, earnings, and interactions. Nothing feels better than watching the heart or thumbs up icon turn red. This is why I’ve started reading Tao Te Ching again. I remembered chapter 15 which mentions seeking fulfilment.

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The Master doesn't seek fulfillment.
Not seeking, not expecting,
he is present, and can welcome all things.

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I want to take these words to heart and commit. Not seeking or expecting is harder than it seems. My writing friends like

Robin Wilding

and

Debra G. Harman

, are still at it, living the writing dream as it were. Now, I watch their growth and success and I’m happy for them. Jealousy is terrible.

I remind my self that I write because I love writing and sharing my stories. I write because I want to help people through my trials and hardships. I write because that’s all I have lately. My kids are older than two years ago, and need me much less often. When times are hard, I’m going to write it down, and then walk away. Another verse in Tao Te Ching mentions the master doing his work and leaving. He doesn’t look for praise or justification. The master simply does what is needed and moves on to perform his next duty.

Looking back on my hiatus, I want to believe that’s what I did. I left when my work was through and moved on to my next task. But, I often wonder if I was running away instead. Did I allow my fear to drive my actions or did I follow the natural flow and move on? While it’s interesting to think about my past, it is not good to dwell on it. Analyzing my previous choices is an old habit of mine. My wife calls it over-analyzing and I suspect my anxiety loves the company, however, I could deal with a little less of the insomnia side effects.

One of the mental tools I’ve repurposed is my morning mantra. I’m going to keep saying it because it keeps working.

I am thankful for living to see another sunrise and I will use this miracle to help everyone I can.

We do not take anything with us after this life, so the only thing that remains after we are gone is the lessons and help we’ve performed for others. Maybe that’s why I keep coming back to writing. I want to leave something behind for anyone who comes across my work. I’ll be gone much faster than I’d like, but my work will remain online for decades. And with AI scraping every website possible, it is not hard to imagine that everything I write might live in some database—passed from one AI to another as training material, able to be regurgitated at a moments notice.

So, even though you may not share my background or path, do you relate to these emotions? How did you cope, dear reader? I’d love to hear your thoughts.

I invite you to walk this road with me and lets journey forward together.

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I don’t paywall my articles on Substack because I believe the wisdom of the Tao shouldn’t be kept from anyone. So, if you want to help support me financially, please consider upgrading to a paid subscription.

A big thank you to my first paid subscriber, Tracy, and my second paid subscriber, Debra!

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Or, did you know I self published a book last year that discusses Tao’s reflection on my life and my journey through the hardships of living? You can find it Amazon as well as most other online eBook stores, like Kobo.