All The Time in The World
I love it when a plan comes together.
I love it when a plan comes together.
My son and I are big fans of horror movies. My teenage daughter is too, but she prefers phycological horror while my son and I prefer supernatural horror. Sometimes those overlap and all three of us will sit down after my youngest is in bed and watch a movie. Jump scares and all!
It’s a fun time and I know I’ll miss it terribly in a few years when my oldest has moved out. Then one day it will be my son’s turn and I’ll lose my horror buddy. Obviously, the relationship with your kids doesn’t end when they move out and we’ll have years of film watching to come (I hope), but it won’t be the same as having them upstairs.
I remember the previous 40 years of my life to when I was a kid. My family loved seeing movies and we still go together when we can. I wonder if my mom and dad ever miss those days of just having us available to go see the new summer blockbuster? Do they watch a commercial and think, “I can’t wait to see that with my kids!” Only to realize that we don’t live down the hall anymore.
When I was in my 20s, I thought about each decade of my life and what I would be like at that age. I thought in my 30s I’d be married with kids and hopefully own a house. I did those. In my 40s I wanted to make good money with a job I love. I am. So far so good. I didn’t get there how I thought I would, but I got there.
Now 40, I look at the next ten years of my life, plan, and wonder. Will my streak continue? I’ve created a successful publication on Medium, met great people from all around the world, and hopefully will end this year with a new role at work. It’s hard to imagine what year 50 will be like.
All three of my children will be over 18 in ten years so I’ll start the next chapter in my life — empty nester. For those not familiar with the phrase, it's a metaphor that means my wife and I are birds, but our nest will be empty for the first time. And I do mean for the first time.
You see, when I was 24 and my girlfriend was 19, she got pregnant. By the time we married, our daughter was three. So, as you can see, we’ve never lived together without kids. Do I worry our marriage won’t last after that? To a degree, yes, but there’s evidence to the contrary.
By 50, I’ll have had several years under my belt and perhaps move up even further on the corporate ladder. My religion, Taoism, teaches me to be content with what I have and where I am. It also teaches to not seek attention, but don’t shy away from your natural ability either. What if my natural ability is leading? What if my natural abilities empower me to move forward all the time? Can I be humble while in motion? Am I no different than those power-hungry billionaires?
I’m a constant over-thinker and I question everything which is startling because my mom never questioned anything, but she did hate her parents with a passion, so perhaps I get it from her. My father ran away when I was 20, so I don’t know what he was like at my age, but I know how I won’t be at his age.
Next, I’ll reach the final chapter of my life. My mom is almost there. What will all of this work have accomplished? Will I even live to see the end of it? I’ve known far too many great people who simply didn’t wake up one day. I’ll likely have grandkids in my 60s, if not sooner, and then the cycle starts over. Babies, toys, school, dating, graduation, college, career, repeat. It’s so exciting to think about watching another generation grow in front of me, but it’s sad to think about the ones who won’t be there to see it. One day that will be me.
They’ll say, “I wish Grandpa Patrick was here to see this!” Or maybe they won’t, who knows? Maybe my great-grandchildren will watch my YouTube videos and say, “Wow, look how different he was back then.” I’m ok with that.
My mind feels like a race where two cars are zooming around the track, fighting for position. The interesting thing is that neither ever lose. The cars keep speeding around and around — a never ending race of thoughts, emotions, and ideas. Sometimes they slow down enough to release some of the pressure on their tires, but then it’s right back to full throttle. They’ll keep running until their engines fall apart and come to a fiery and sudden end.
And that’s how it should be, how I want it to be. Not a quiet goodbye in a bed surrounded by my family, but an amazing end to an incredible adventure! Fireworks, explosions in slow motion that you don’t look at as you walk away, and a standing ovation!
I’ll be 41 this year, and I don’t know where I’m going, but I’ve got all the time in the world to get there. Right?